2022 Christmas Noel-vela
by Henry Monahan
Howdy fellow Christmas goers! My name is Henry. My mom usually writes the annual Christmas letter we send to all the people we consider at least pretty decent people, but this year she offered me the job. And humbly, excited and ready to spread some Christmas joy, I accepted. Welcome to “2022- A Monahan Noel-vela.”
CHAPTER ONE: Humble Beginnings
A prospector named “Mike”- fun loving, extremely great at dancing, and best IT security specialist in the Wild West. A queen named “Julie,” as beautiful as the southern sunset and as pure as the driven snow. They walk in the woods one day and find four young companions. The eldest and best looking of the bunch named “Henry” loved all musical instruments, participator in various high school shows, and known infamously as “Rizz lord.” The second companion’s name was “Andrew,” a wisecracking Coyote with a knack for coding that feasts on literally nothing cuz he’s a FRESHMAN. The third was a weirdly buff spider monkey- bull combo named “Kyle,” who both eats and intercepts three times his own weight daily, as his football abilities are second to none. And finally, the leader of the four, a lost princess from a distant land named “Mabel,” who dances and sings to all the forest animals but carries a Forth NXS in case any of the forest animals decide to turn off the TV. Together, this ragtag motley crew embarked on a journey that would change their lives.
CHAPTER TWO: Introduction to Strange New Worlds
A call from a choir director in the distant land of Disney World beckoned to Henry, asking to be a tenor sax in the BVHS Show Choir Band for the “Fame Show Choir Competition.” Henry turned to his companions and slyly quipped, “ya wanna go for the ride of your life? *cutely winks*” The crew answered yes unanimously, too distracted by Henry’s eyes to do anything but nod. They all drove down to Disney World to stay with the Queen’s parents, the artful Duke and Duchess of Sarasota. They explored the lands, attended the tournament, and even branched off into the land called Universal Studios. On the drive home, they discovered the great tyrant Sammy Fine of Georgia Tech and his advisors the Tuso’s, as well as the set of the fairy tale, “The Walking Dead.” They returned home changed- “Better people, better pizza” -Papa Juan (Mike’s nickname)
CHAPTER THREE: Refusal of the Call
Our next episode begins with a beautiful white puffy cloud, seen on the horizon. The cloud slowly gets closer and closer, until you realize it’s not a cloud at all- it’s a swarm, similar to locusts, of COVID 19 cotton swab tests, which get into everything- they have a terrible predatory habit in which they swim up their prey’s nose and tickle their brain, reminding them of their terror. At first this group was terrified, but then realized the swabs were trying to lead them somewhere- a ship, grand in stature and faster and deadlier than any other ship found on the seven seas; its name strikes fear into those who hear it- the “Carnival Spirit.” The motley crew joined up with a mafia organization known as the “Wilkersons,” led by the Duke and Duchess or Sarasota, and embarked on a grande voyage, traveling to the two corners of the world (Alaska and Canada) seeing sights they never thought they’d see (Glaciers; Timmy, Henry, Mike shirtless jumping into frigid water; more soft serve ice cream abuse than ever before). When they returned they ate lunch with an old mentor named Joshua Peters and witnessed the breathtaking views of the Olympic Peninsula, the group temporarily splitting up as Mike, Henry, and Andrew visited the Museum of Pop Culture in downtown Seattle. Our motley crew returned home with over swabbed-noses, 20 more pounds of weight, and wholesome experiences they would remember forever.
CHAPTER FOUR: Damsel in Distress
Mike looks over his shoulder, wondering if anyone is following him. He pulls his cloak tighter and hurries down the winding, narrow path. He gets to the Troop 222 scoutmaster’s woodland cabin. Knowing what he has to do but not knowing if he has the strength to do it, he hoists himself up on to the windowsill. He listens inside: a fire is crackling, and the scoutmaster is laughing at something his daughter has said. Mike grimaces as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small electronic tablet. The screen reads, “Nuclear Strike Attack on Scoutmaster’s House.” Mike, a tear running down his cheek, presses the button that says “Launch.” Knowing he has little time left, he knocks on the door. The scoutmaster answers the door with a smile. “Howdy doody neighborino,” he says, “Watchya doin’ this late in the Nighty Night?” Mike, smirking, pulls his hood over his eyes tighter. “Sir,” Mike whispers ominously, “there are some changes that need to be made in the troop. I know you’ll never accept them. I just… I think you deserve to know.” “Why, thanks for ya feedback friend!” Says the scoutmaster. “I really appreciate you telling me.” Mike, shaking, replies, “you’re welcome… and I’m sorry.” Mike turns and sprints away, tears streaming down his face, and mounts his horse stopped back aways and gallops away.
1 WEEK LATER
Mike sits on the scoutmaster’s throne, his eyes crazy and gleaming with power, a dark, devilish smile shining across his face.
CHAPTER FIVE: Heroic Death of a Damsel
With the end of Andrew’s 8th year in “Dark Woods Academy,” tensions were high- he had just finished a stunning performance in Charlie Brown the Musical as Shroeder and was ready to perform his metamorphosis into a Freshman. After a long process of incredible self discovery, Andrew was confirmed into the acclaimed “Wood Church,” spirits high and eyes to the future. After 8th grade farewell, he approached the age in which Coyotes like him become more independent. It was the end of an era for him. But it was not the only end of an era in this time frame…
Julie lays in the PTO sleeping chambers, thinking about all that she had accomplished. The Rock and Run flashes through her brain as a strong jolt of pride courses through her body. Later, she walks up to her throne, gives the swivel chair a nostalgic pat, and walks out of the building. She had done all she could, but she could not stop the Blue Valley Middle School from falling into a chasm of lies and deceit. She looks back on the school that she had put so much of herself into, so much effort, but then turns away and walks to her carriage with a grim, determined look setting itself firmly on her face.
Elsewhere in the woods:
Mabel, the princess known everywhere as “Bruce Leeia,” looked at the chasm in front of her. On the other side was the rank in Girl Scouts of “Brownie.” She sprinted up to the cliffside, weight low to the ground as to gain speed, and lept into the air, leaving the field of Daisies she was in behind. She looked down, a never ending abyss below her. She just had to hope that she had enough velocity to get to the other side. Suddenly, she realized she wasn’t going to make it. She was falling down straight into the abyss! Then, she remembered what her mom/scout leader had told her- “Always be respectful, considerate, and caring. And never give up, even if you’re falling into a never ending abyss with no plausible way out.” Mabel focused her kindness, respectfulness, and care into her digestive track. She concentrated, then released the kindest, most respectful fluffy the world has ever seen. Her body rocketed back toward the surface, breaking the sound barrier and shooting straight through the cliff face. She finally landed in a perfect relivet, her mind focused and ready to be the most effective Brownie the world has ever seen.
CHAPTER SIX: Philmont
Mini tales of philmont-
El Buro:
“AAHHHHHH!!! OOOOOWWWW OWOWWWOWWWW!!!’
“What is it Henry?”
“THE DANG DONKEY JUST KICKED ME IN THE KNEE!!!!! AHHHH!!!”
“Wait, seriously?”
“YES!! AAHHHAHAHAHAAAAA!!”
“Alright guys seriously could we pick up the pace with this Buro? Maybe pull it a bit harder?
“Mr. Mike we’ve been trying. He only time he moves at all is if there’s a bright flower of some kind in front of him, and even then he moves at the pace of the scouts waking up every morning.”
“Bruh.”
The Cartographer:
“Wait so you’re sure this is the right way?”
“Listen I’m just doing what the map is telling me. See those topographic lines? That means we’re in the right place. We passed that level of elevation like 5 minutes ago, so we should be like, here.”
“Hey uh, Logan? Where did you go? I can’t see you through the grass.”
*in the distance* “HELLO? GUYS??”
“MR BRATTON???”
“Hey guys, I just saw a roadsign that says “Welcome to Mexico.”
*Mike facepalms* “Unbelievable.”
The Red Roof
*A scout, clad in Class-B t-shirt and hiking shorts both 8 days without being washed, sprints across the gravel road. He vaults himself over a fallen tree, and stumbles slightly, but quickly picks himself back up. He needs to. He has no choice but to keep his body running. He’s running out of time. He sprints on. He hops over a fallen scout who attempted the same route, not checking if he’s okay or not. The road goes into a decline, and he slides down the entire thing, narrowly keeping his footing. He keeps running- his body is failing, but his mind has an inhuman strength. After 3 miles he finally reaches his goal- a small, dark wood building with a metal red roof. He collapses, his body and mind exhausted, before picking himself back up and opening the door of the shack to reveal a white toilet seat on top of a dug out hole.
CHAPTER SEVEN: Daring Rescue
We now return to our motley crew. Henry and Andrew had submitted to the warlord called “Marching Band”, and were living and breathing in his name. It turns out that Marching Band worked his subjects for at least 11.5 hours every week, preying only on the Free Time of all of his subjects. One weekend, Marching Band beckoned Andrew and Henry to Bentonville, Arkansas. The crew decided to go with them. When Marching Band wiped the floor with the “Other School Marching Bands,” there was cause for celebration, and the motley crew stayed in Bentonville all night long partying. In their pull-behind camper, but partying nonetheless. They returned home, spirits high. As time passed, the big Marching Band competition neared, where Marching Band would bring his servants to face off against 15 Other School Marching Bands. After an extremely long day and almost fatal season, the crew pulled off a brilliant victory, giving evidence for the claim that Marching Band was the best of all the Bands in the region of Kansas. It was, without a doubt, glorious.
CHAPTER EIGHT: Dragons, Towers, and Rope Bridges
One day, the motley crew was wandering in the woods, looking under logs and feasting on the juicy insects underneath. Suddenly, they came across a man in a brown wizard hat and long, orange gown. The man said to them, “Hello. I am the wizard of the fall. If one of you should wish to do an activity, I will grant it. But be careful, I offer you a warning. If you should do too many activities, you may-
“Yeah, yeah, we’re just gonna take our wishes and go,” said Julie. “What do you want to do guys?”
Henry went first. “I would like to do Soccer, Marching Band, the school improv troop, and our school’s musical Mary Poppins, and maybe get my driver’s license while I’m at it.
Then went Andrew. “I would like to do Soccer, Marching band, join horticulture management club, and play the heck out of my trumpet so I can make the school’s top band AS A FRESHMAN. Also could me and Henry go to Homecoming, but this time with corsages designed specially by Julie the queen?”
Kyle was next: “Soccer-basketball-band-jazz band-youth group-chess club-a lead in the school play-and get into the finals for flag football.
The wizard of the fall stumbled a bit, completely caught off guard. “Em…”
Then Mabel did a cartwheel, demanding the attention of the room. “Also, I would like to do soccer, gymnastics, dance, maybe throw in some cheerleading here and there.”
The wizard fell over, barely comprehending everything. Then the crew all stepped forward.
“CAN WE ALL BE REALLY INVOLVED IN SCOUTING??!!”
The wizard let out a weakened yelp as he evaporated into thin air.
CHAPTER NINE: Damsel Healed and Return with the Elixir
By this point the motley crew had settled down into a cave in the forest. Do you all remember the mafia gang from the cruise? Well, Mabel had borrowed money for an LOL surprise doll and never paid them back. So the gang was hungry for revenge. Every single Wilkerson converged on the cave at the same time, readying their chess pieces, paint brushes, and very pretty rocks for ambush. Mabel walked outside the cave, unbeknownst to the plot. The Wilkerson’s readied their weapons, but then Mabel did something odd- she began to sing. Randomly, and with no apparent cause. The weird aspect to it was that this seemed like a very practiced action, as if she did this CONSTANTLY. Realizing the very obvious cuteness to it, the Wilkersons put down their weapons and said “Hey Mabel? How are you How’s school How are your friends How do you like dance?” Mabel invited them inside, and they feasted on a turkey on a day they called Thanksgiving- debts forgiven and family ties established once more.
The OG Wilkersons
Current Wilkerson Fam
Just the girls
CHAPTER TEN: Happily Ever After, or Prologue to Season 2?
Henry sat in the cave, playing his guitar, thinking about Mike’s beautiful angelic voice, when suddenly he stopped. He looked up, towards the heavens. And even though he’s in a cave, it seems he can… see through… the ceiling? Wait. He’s looking right at you. The reader. His intelligence has transcended universal boundaries. He wants to say something to you. Let’s get in closer and hear what he has to say… Dairy Lipstick? I can’t hear what he’s saying. Wary dipstick? Oh. I see. Merry Christmas! Wow. Well I guess you should take his word for it, since he transcends dimensions. Go and have a Merry Christmas everyone. This Noel-vela, is concluded.
End credits scene
Henry and Andrew put their names on the sign-ups for auditions for the school play. They look at each other, and nod, knowing it’ll be difficult, but at least they’ll have each other. Kyle writes his signature on the track sign-up sheet. And Mabel is seen skipping merrily into the distance, carrying a LOL doll that’s weighted a little heavier than most. What could be inside the fake doll? Could it be eyeshadow? C4? The world may never know. The Monahans Will Return in Monahan 2023- A Letter of Some Kind
